Joke Thread!!

[starscream]

Anything goes, so if you're easily offended, GET OUT OF THE THREAD NOW!!!



During the cold war in the mid 50s, a mathematician and an RF engineer were recruited to man a radar surveillance station in Alaska. They were told that in addition to their pay they would get a rather special bonus. So after a month of strenuous duty in the Alaskan winter, they are led into the base gym where in the far corner stands Miss America 1956. Both the engineer and the mathematician immediately want to race across to her, but are held back by their commanding officer: "You guys are allowed to go to her, but each step you take must be exactly half as long as the previous one". The mathematician does a quick calculation in his head and announces: "I give up, I'll never be able to reach her!". The engineer, however, continues walking towards her, saying: "I might not exactly reach her, but I'll get close enough to do the job."

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How to Make Life Easier

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.Simply pour a cup
of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be
almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by
simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed
for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember
to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock,will prevent you
from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze
button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you
will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will
forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really
are:
You only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move
and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the
duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

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One day three explorers are captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribesmen want to kill them and eat them but one of the explorer's says "Hang on, we should be able to do some sort of challenge and if we pass you can let us go". The tribesmen agree and say the challenge will consist of 2 parts. They say the 1st part is that they have to collect a species of fruit, then come back for the second challenge. The explorers agree and seperate to search for fruit. The first explorer comes back with apples. "okay" say the tribesmen "now the second part is that you have to shove the fruit up your without making a sound, no crying, gasping, no sound". The first explorer tries but starts crying due to the pain and is killed. The second explorer comes back with grapes and the tribesmen tell him the second part of the challenge. He nearly completes the challenge but he suddenly starts to laugh so the tribesmen kill him. On his way to heaven the second explorer meets up with the first explorer. The first explorer asks him " You nearly completed the challenge, but you laughed, why?" The second explorer responds "Oh I saw the third explorer coming back with pineapples".

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God: I feel like a vacation
Angel: Why not Jupiter?
God: Nah, too much gravity, bad for my back you know
Angel: Oh right... how about Mercury then? Rates are cheap
God: Nah, I don't like it being too close to the sun, it'll burn me, and you know how much I hate sunburn
Angel: Oh, ok... well how about Earth then?
God: You kidding!? I had an affair with a Jewish woman there 2000 years ago and they still haven't shut up about it!

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[Osama Bin Laden]

, LMAO,

[Zann]

at the one about God.

[Avis]

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver's side.

The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied,
"Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?!"
_________________________________________________
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure...
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant

[the second one I stole from someone on TESF]

[crippknottick]

Windows 95 is a 32-bit layer of a 16-bit patch of an 8-bit operating system that was designed on a 4-bit microprocessor by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1-bit of competition.

[blackfire]

[glow=red,2,300](If your an icky boy, pretend you're a girly!)[/glow]

It's your first time.

As you lie back your muscles tighten.

You put him off for a while searching for an excuse,

but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely.

He has had more experience,

but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver;

your body tenses;

but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-

he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you

and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance.

You begin to plead and beg him to hurry,

but he slowly takes his time,

wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer,

going deeper,

you feel the tissue give way,

pain surges throughout your body

and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful.

Your eyes are filled with tears

but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.

He begins going in and out

with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments,

you feel something bursting within you

and he pulls it out of you,

you lay panting,

glad to have it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly,

tells you,

with a chuckle,

that you have been his most stubborn

yet most rewarding experience.


You smile and thank your dentist.

After all,

it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

[glow=yellow,2,300]~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~[/glow]

What were you THINKING?!

NAUGHTY!!

I know what you were all thinking! !

Dirty buggers!!!!


Eeheehee... I thought it was funny... I apologise.

[Avis]

Rats, I was considering posting that one. ;P

But I found it amusing also.

[Samurai Slayer]

Beans beans they're good for your heart
the more you eat the more you fart
and that's why nobody can go down on mexican women for too long.

(haha, any mexican women reading this: I'm not racist I swear!)

[Raist]

Penis.

That is all.

[starscream]

NECROMANCY!!!!



A man walks into a bar with a cat and an ostrich.

The bloke gets the first round in. They all sit around, drinking. They finish up, and the man makes a motion to the cat, indicating it's his shout. The cat fidgets, shakes his head, and generally avoids eye contact until the ostrich goes and gets the second round in.

They all sup up, and the man gets the third round in. They drain their glasses once more, and the man and the ostrich motion to the cat. The cat again refuses, making a vague motion indicating he's got no money with him. The ostrich gets another round in.

Once more, it's the man's round, so he wanders over to the bar. The barman is unable to contain his curiosity any longer.

'So, what's with you, the ostrich and the cat who won't get the drinks in?'

'Well, squire, I freed a genie from a lamp, and I wished for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy'.

[Avis]

[Raist]

mmm tight pussy.

[starscream]

A teacher asks her class to come up with a sentence that contains the word 'contagious'.

Roland shouts out, 'Last year I got measles and my mum says it was contagious.'
'Well done Roland,' says the teacher.

Katie then shouts, 'My gran says there's a bug going around that's contagious.'
'Very good, Katie.'

Timmy then pipes up, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious.'


(stealing these btw)

[Osama Bin Laden]

Grammar failed there. And, haha.

[blackfire]

After many years of marriage, a husband has turned into a couch potato, became completely inattentive to his wife and sat guzzling beer and watching TV all day. The wife was dismayed because no matter what she did to attract the husband's attention, he'd just shrug her off with some bored comment.

This went on for many months and the wife was going crazy with boredom. Then one day at a pet store, the wife saw this big, ugly, snorting bird with a hairy chest, powerful hairy forearms, beady eyes and dribble running down the side of its mouth.

The shopkeeper, observing her fascination with the bird, told her it was a special imported "Goony bird" and it had a very peculiar trait. To demonstrate, he exclaimed, "Goony bird! The table!"

Immediately, the Goony bird flew off its perch and with single-minded fury attacked the table and smashed it into a hundred little pieces with its powerful forearms and claws! To demonstrate some more, the shopkeeper said, "Goony bird! The shelf!"

Again the Goony bird turned to the shelf and demolished it in seconds.

"Wow!" said the wife, "If this doesn't attract my husband's attention, nothing will!" So she bought the bird and took it home.

When she entered the house, the husband was, as usual, sprawled on the sofa guzzling beer and watching the game. "Honey!" she exclaimed, "I've got a surprise for you! I got a Goony bird!"

The husband, in his usual bored tone replied, "Goony Bird, my !"

[blackfire]

bum*

[starscream]

[Osama Bin Laden]

Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: Im the breadwinner of the family, so lets call me capitalism. Your Mom, shes the administrator of the money, so well call her the Government. Were here to take care of your needs, so well call you the people. The nanny, well consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, well call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nannys room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I thin k I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ."

[Avis]

!

[blackfire]

lmao that's a pretty good one