Sorrowful Joy - My Poem...

[ShadowLynx]

Sorrowful Joy

Oh my sorrowful joy,
What happened between us?
‘Tis I am left to think about,
Over my silent suppers…

I see my reflection in your eyes,
But I also see another’s.
What are you thinking in them?
‘Tis I am always left to wonder…

Oh why my love, my baby,
My darling, my soul, my everlasting adoration.
Oh what have I done to make you do this to me?
Left me to go through this pain and woe and terror…

There, tears spring out of me,
Blood, I gouge out of my veins.
I hope in your defection you’re happy,
Because you left my heart in tatters and pain…

Pain and anguish;
Anguish unto suffering.
Suffering and torment;
And torment unto pain…

A never-ending cycle of no justification.
You sit there; smiling and talking
And flirting with Him.
While I, sit here contemplating my own mutilation…

Pain ebbs away at my soul,
It chips away my laughter.
Torment surrounds my eyes,
And a ghost lurks behind my answers…

I slowly raise the knife,
Press it against my skin,
Fountains of red brilliance pours out,
And I smile once more again…

I sincerely hope you’re happy,
Because I’ve just found freedom
Away from this material world.
And my lips seal and I smile no more…
_________

So what do you guys think?

[eek]

Hmm... seems quite emo. ;D

Anyway, I'm moving it to the "literature" section.

[ShadowLynx]

I posted it in General because SOME moderator told me so...

And yes it's quite emo...

[Slipper Eater]

Yeah, pretty decent, simple.

Can't really feel the flow to it.

[Ratwar]

It has some emotion, and is very clear in what it is saying. What it lacks, as Slipper Eater pointed out, is flow. The lines are only really connected by the story itself, in prose that would be fine, but poetry needs a little more. A little more rhyme would add a lot in my opinion. Though I really do like the clarity of the poem.

archangel said:

And flirting with Him.

I liked the way this line was short, and very to the point. It got it's point across very well.

[ShadowLynx]

I thought of this poem in like 20 mins during a History Examination...

[Samurai Slayer]

Honestly, I thought it was just alright.

I've read so much emo poetry that it kinda just felt the same as the rest.

I'm just glad it didn't go

"I'm emo
I like to cut
I made out with moe
Now I'm a slut"




But yea, it was alright.

[Justice]

Hehe emo poetry

I like Shanes better

[Osama Bin Laden]

جيد جدا يمو القصيده!

Hope you read Arabic backwards!

That says "Very good emo poem!"